A load of rubbish

The refuse system in our house consisted of us handing our rubbish over to the family who we rent off. They would then spirit it away somewhere, possibly burning it in some unseen place. This routine was going perfectly well until we were chasing Max round the corner, behind our adjoining wall, and came across a Emin-style depiction of our recent life, through the medium of rubbish. Horrified, I spotted several familiar Kingfisher cans, a few ear-cleaners, contact lens packets, and, most conspicuously, the tell-tale peppermint green and baby blue colours of Max’s Pampers. Considering that the plastic and metal would probably take another hundred years or so to break down, we decided that our consciences couldn’t bear the weight. As it turns out, with no municipal waste disposal scheme, the nearest ‘bin’ is about 20km away. Starting with the purchase of several pedal bins for the purpose, we have embarked on a meticulous separation plan. What becomes massively obvious when you have to wash, sift and transport your own stinking waste for half an hour, clutching it between your knees on a scooter, is that a family of three produces, literally, shitloads of rubbish. The hardest part is the nappies. I can just see them gagging a dolphin or smothering a rare turtle. They resist compaction, and veritably grow in size and weight when in contact with water. What’s in them? Some sort of weird gel crystals that have a half-life akin to plutonium. Alternatives are a little hard to decide on. Bare-ass is the obvious choice (for Max, that is), and certainly the approach favoured by 300million Indian children. Alas, the potty remains unsullied, but Max has been told there is a rich bounty on offer for every potty-based emission. Max now wears a brand of Huggies that are a denim effect fabric. They seem a comfy fit, but have a disconcerting way of making Max look like he’s sporting DaisyDukes. The other thing is that throwing away four or five of these everyday, with their stretchy seams and realistic beltbuckle, feels even more wasteful. Our other great idea is to insert a sanitary pad into a nappy. Luckily, in Indian shops nappies and maxipads are mixed up together. We’ll see how this plan goes. Otherwise the nappies will continue to be a putrid albatross round my feet.